Ever wondered how the Star Wars crew would fit into your venue? Course you have. Relax and feel the farce, Luke…
Luke Skywalker – sommelier
Well-meaning, conflicted, not quite as interesting as you’d like, he harbours unrequited romantic yearnings and has the capacity to mysteriously vanish from the scene for days on end. From a humble farming background he’s a country boy living the dream.
Han Solo – bartender
Rakish, maverick, bursting with ego and prone to illogical and self-destructive actions that get everyone into trouble, but always convinced he can talk his way out of it. Flamboyant, charming and annoyingly talented with an eye for the lay-deez.
Princess Leia – bar-back
Pretty, but not quite pretty enough. Feisty, but not quite feisty enough. Useful, but not quite useful enough. Necessary but largely unloved, inspires devotion through her connections rather than her actions. Rich girl on a gap year enjoying the danger of being romantically entangled with the bartender.
R2D2 – commis sommelier
Small, cute, incomprehensible. Stumps around burbling while everyone smiles indulgently. But what does he mean? No-one knows. What does he do? No-one knows. Prone to wandering off on secret missions, possibly to renew a visa or secure substances.
Rey – assistant general manager
Annoyingly young, capable and confident with the gimlet-eyed look of the ambitious achiever. Life has given her little and she’s happy to take what she wants and ask questions later. Independent in outlook, tech savvy and a low tolerance of fools, everyone’s slightly scared of her. A star in the making, you know will have her own venue by the age of 30.
C3PO – head sommelier
Uptight, waspish, fretful. Speaker of many languages and a fussy lover of order. Convinced that disaster lurks just round the corner and equally convinced that it’s everyone else’s fault. Loyal, but hides it well. Incredible memory for obscure detail, but questionable people skills. Odd accent.
Obi-wan Kenobi – bartender guru
Poised, mysterious, unflappable. Knower of the unknowable and seer of the future. Trainer of young talent and tireless defender of the faith. Almost certainly Italian. Faced with drunken tourists looking for a fourth Martini he can use the old Jedi mind-trick: ‘these are not the drinks you’re looking for.’
Darth Vader – business owner
Once he was like you. Wise teachers had high hopes that he would be an uplifting force for good. But somewhere down the line he embraced the dark side. Spreadsheets and budgets claimed him and sucked the joy from his soul. Tell him you need more money for glassware and he will tell you he finds your lack of faith disturbing.
Chewbacca – chef
Shambling mound of latent violence he might be, but Chewie has more skills than mere hired muscle, so he’s not the bouncer. Grunting, glowering, weirdly loyal but prone to rip your legs off and feed them to you if you beat him at chess.
Yoda – consultant
Powerful, gnomic, all-seeing. No-one knows where he came from or how old he is, but judging by the hair in his ears he seems to have been around a loooong time. Speaks of times and customs long gone, of the unchanging essence at the heart of all you do. Struggling with work/life balance, staff shortages or falling profits, his answer is always the same: ‘Do or do not, there is no try’. Like, thanks…
Kylo Ren – owner’s son
Long-haired and volatile, with a penchant for volcanic outbursts and ridiculous outfits, there is talent deep within him, but the monumental insecurity of his character prevents him from making the most of it. He’s tried his hand at everything from cheffing to somming to bartending and failed at all of them, getting angrier and angrier in the process.
Jabba the Hutt – the backer
Powerful, rarely seen and generally terrifying with a past that you pretend not to know about and a fine collection of pastimes that are, at best, immoral and at worst downright illegal. You don’t want to spend time with him, and you wouldn’t leave him alone with your staff, but at a certain level you need him.
Jar Jar Binks – blogger
Pointless, burbling, embarrassing – prone to trite and inappropriate outbursts. Any initial comedic value soon disappears and you just wish they would go away and leave you alone. Convinced you’re his best friend. Spends his entire life cadging free food and drink off you in exchange for reviews that nobody reads.